This, That, and the Other Thing: Henchmen Quirks

In my campaigns I’ve always tried to provide the party with useful NPC companions. Hirelings add an extra dimension to play, I think. It’s fun to watch the PCs train, protect and deal with the hired help. Sometimes, though, it’s hard to come up with distinct personalities for the NPCs. I know I am guilty of playing them without much flair. To remedy this, I’d like to present a random table of personalities you can use to add some life to the henchmen and hirelings of your campaign.

1) The Critic      This fellow incessantly critiques the party’s battlefield performance. He offers all sorts of constructive criticism, such as “Perhaps you should try to get hit less.” “You should be more accurate with your bow.” is another one of his gems. If a character actually listens to the NPC’s coaching, allow an occasional bonus to an attack roll.

2) Holy Man      Quite the zealot, this henchman is always proselytizing to the party. The NPC hopes to convert the characters to his faith and will preach about the virtues of his deity morning, noon and night. He will point out that all of the party’s good fortune is due to his deity blessing the group. Conversely, any bad luck that befalls the party is because they have failed to embrace the “one true faith.”

3) Shady Character      The henchman seems to have an aversion to crowds, in addition to a secret he’s reluctant to share with the group. When the party enters any sort of settlement he will pull the hood of his cloak over his head and skulk in the shadows. Once indoors he will insist upon sitting with his back to a wall and will nervously watch anyone who walks through the door.

4) Drunk      This hired hand is always drunk. The characters are never able to catch him in the act of drinking, nor are they able to find where he hides his hooch. A descriptive GM should play up the inebriation, having the NPC snooze through watches, or make lewd comments to high born ladies.

5) Give Me a Raise      Always eager to renegotiate his salary, this hireling brings up his rate of pay at inappropriate moments. In the henchman's mind, tense parlay or the death of a PC are perfect opportunities to haggle for a few more silvers. Even if the party rewards his service with the occasional boon, he will still mope and whine about the party “holding out on him.”

6) Mystic      The henchman claims to have the ability to commune with the mystical spirit world. He frequently offers to read the PCs’ fortunes and even pretends to speak with the dead. When a foe is killed in battle, the hireling looks skyward as if he can see their spirit departing for the afterlife. Also, he claims to sense spirit activity in certain areas and will warn the party about “hostile energies.”

7) Duty Shirker      When combat breaks out, the hireling is nowhere to be found. No amount of calling the coward’s name will bring him out of hiding. Not until the battle is over will the fellow emerge from cover. The vanishing act is rather impressive and sudden, almost like an innate magical ability...

8) A Man's Man      Pain means nothing to this character. He has an amazing ability to withstand damage. No matter how serious his wounds, he will shrug off the injury and will insist upon fulfilling his duties. He expects others to have a high pain threshold and will often tease those who succumb to their wounds.

This, That and the Other Thing: Wagons, ho!

In most campaigns, the player characters don’t get overly concerned with trade and commerce. However, wagons and their contents eventually play a role in every campaign. For those times when characters either escort, raid, or encounter wagons, the random table below can help to determine the contents. In a modern or sci-fi game, the cargos below can be found within a semi’s trailer or a space craft’s hold.

1) Lumber      Various lengths of timber, ranging from long, heavy beams to thinner, shorter planks. The amount of wood present is sufficient to build a one room shack. Blueprints for the shack can be found with the wood, but no tools.

2) Poultry      Cages stuffed full of chickens are stacked precariously, leaning dangerously to one side. The hens within cluck contentedly as feathers drift through the air. The stench of rotting eggs and chicken poop is eye-watering.

3) Ale      The wagon groans under the weight of many kegs of ale. A colorful label depicts a jolly halfling lifting a large mug, as if giving a toast. The stamps on the kegs read “Basilisk Ales.”

4) Fertilizer      This wagon will be smelled long before it is seen. The foul odor will either attract or deter attackers - GM’s call. The fertilizer is extremely rich and will fetch a decent price at market. The drover is proud of his smelly cargo, going so far as to refer to it as “brown gold.”

5) Rocks      The wagon is especially large and well-constructed. The drovers have a hard time keeping the team of oxen moving forward as the wagon groans under the weight of cut limestone.

6) Fish      Minimal steps were taken to preserve the fish within this wagon. As a result, the stench is terrible. Most of the cargo has spoiled and the drover is considering dumping the load by the side of the road. There is a chance that the smell may attract predators.

7) Prisoners      Sullen, dangerous men sit along each side of the wagon. They are chained together at the wrists and ankles. The convicts have a nasty look about them and are eager to escape. They will use any chaotic event as an opportunity to do so.

8) Hay           Bales of hay are stacked high and lean slightly to one side. The hay has been leaving a trail behind the wagon, a trail that bandits or beasties might follow.

9) Empty      In this instance, the wagon itself is the commodity. Newly built and in fine condition, the wagon is being delivered to the person who commissioned its construction.

10) Farm Fresh      Bushel baskets of corn, potatoes, carrots and other fresh produce fill the wagon to capacity.

This, That, and the Other Thing: A Night at the Inn

During a session, GMs rarely spend much time describing something as routine as the characters’ rooms at the inn. Unless the scenario specifically calls for an encounter, most evenings at a hostel pass without incident. The eight rooms presented in this table are designed to provide for some memorable overnight stays.

1) Rat Race      The rats that live in the attic appear to be running some sort of marathon. They rush back and forth all night, causing quite a racket. Eventually, a cat pounces and the clamor that results is unreal. The cat hisses, rats squeak and people begin pounding on the ceiling. Things finally quiet down around midnight.

2) Tone Deaf Bard      An aspiring minstrel is lodged next door to the party. He’s not very good with his lute and his singing is even worse. His voice cracks as he croons about love lost, love found and love lost all over again. If the party pounds on the walls to get him to shut up, he will only sing louder.

3) I Love You So Much That I Hate You      The couple next door are hardly the picture of marital bliss. They fight long and loud into the night, stomping, shouting and banging furniture about. Eventually, there is much sobbing followed by wild love-making. Their make-up sex is almost as loud as their fighting.

4) Keyless and Drunk      Late at night, pebbles will begin bouncing off the windows of the characters’ room. If they investigate, the party will find a man standing outside. He asks to be let into the inn, explaining that he is a lodger at the inn who stayed out too late drinking. He’s now locked out and doesn’t wish to sleep in the cold.

5) The Ghosts Come Out at Night      The party’s sleep will be interrupted by a cool wind blowing in from the window. When a character gets up to close it, he finds that it has been shut all along. There appears to be no other source for the breeze. If the characters ask the innkeeper about the wind, he gives the party a sly wink then changes the subject.

6) I Hear You Knocking But You Can't Come In      It appears that a prankster is about. In the wee hours of the morning, the characters’ door will be pounded on. If the party answers, they find no one there. This will happen again and again throughout the night. If the party sets up some sort of ambush, the annoying knocking will stop.

7) I Love You, Man      Lodging next door are a group of extremely loud drunkards. Throughout the night, the louts will curse, sing, challenge one another to wrestling matches and express their undying, brotherly love. If the party knocks on their door to complain, the men will shout, “Go away and get your own grog!”

8) Casualty in the Making      The fellow upstairs wishes to become an adventurer. Equipped with a new sword and armor, he stays up late practicing his combat maneuvers. Throughout the evening, the party can hear him making up battle cries, crashing into furniture and leaping off his bed onto the floor. “Have at thee, beastie!”

This, That, and the Other Thing: A Horse is a Horse

Horses don’t get a lot of attention in role-playing games. They’re big, characters ride them around and they often get devoured by beasties. Nevertheless, I think that defining a horse’s personality can add a bit of flavor to a campaign. If your game features exotic mounts, like griffons, the entries can still be applied. If you are writing stat blocks for mounts, the descriptions below might hint at skills, feats, advantages or disadvantages that can be assigned.

1) Amber      People wearing cloaks, capes and other loose clothing should not stand too close. This horse has developed a taste for cloth and will begin munching on any clothing it can reach. Attempting to pull a garment from the horse’s mouth results in a humorous tug of war. Characters with magical cloaks should be careful around Amber...

2) Zeus      This stallion is fearless in battle. He will charge into a line of pikes and trample foes with zeal. However, children annoy him to no end. Whenever children (or halflings) come near, the stallion grows agitated and requires a great deal of soothing to calm down. If a child persists in its efforts to pet Zeus, he will bare his teeth in a menacing fashion.

3) Ruth      This mare spent the early part of her life pulling wagons for a cruel master. She still recalls the painful whip and back-breaking loads. Whenever a wagon or cart comes near, the mare will kick and rear. She will bite anyone who attempts to harness her to a wagon.

4) Myst      This mare is very affectionate. She is a terrible flirt and tends to prance and strut whenever males are around. Men who ignore her attention-getting behavior are shunned and will not be allowed to mount unless they pat her on the neck or give her a carrot. Myst does not perform as well for female riders, resulting in penalties to riding skill checks.

5) Delilah      This mare requires a great deal of attention. After being brushed, she will roll in the dirt (or her own filth) so that her owner will have to groom her again. Sometimes she even pretends to be lame in order to have her leg massaged. If this behavior is indulged, then her owner will enjoy a faithful, loyal friend.

6) Sampson      This stallion does not get along with other horses. He bites and kicks at any horse that is placed in the same stable. Moreover, very few stable hands will work with him due to his aggressive nature. This behavior is also carried onto the battlefield, where he is especially adept at trample attacks.

This, That and the Other Thing: A Night at the Campfire

Adventurers spend quite a bit of time sleeping outdoors. The next time the party beds down for the evening, roll a d6 and consult the table below. In my own campaign, the party’s 12 year-old lantern boy ended up in a fist fight with the goblin from entry 1. The lantern boy won after kicking it in the groin. Several entries (2, 3, 5, and 6) might provide scenario seeds if the GM wishes to develop them.

1) Drunken Goblin      A drunken goblin stumbles into camp during the middle of the night. The little fellow carries a bucket of rotgut and appears only mildly surprised to find itself face to face with the party. It will even hold out the bucket, offering the characters a drink. The creature is armed, but is more pathetic than dangerous. It will soon pass out, collapsing face first onto the ground.

2) The Giant      As the players sleep, something massive stomps through the forest. It crashes through trees, snapping branches and trampling shrubs underfoot. It is either unaware, or uninterested, in the party’s presence. The night is dark, so the party cannot get a glimpse of whatever is mashing about. The creature is moving fairly quickly, so the sound of its progress will soon fade. In the morning, the players easily find its huge footprints.

3) Lone Mount      A horse strays into camp. Lather covers the animal, evidence of a lengthy, strenuous run. The horse is saddled and the attached bags contain a map case, water skin, flint and steel, some salted meat, 20’ of rope and a pair of manacles.        A search of the area will not turn up the rider. Speak With Animals will reveal that the horse belongs to a rider who was thrown from the saddle while fighting a large, man-like creature (ogre? giant?). The horse fled in terror and has been running for at least an hour.

4) Popular Campground      The spot where the characters have chosen to make camp appears to be quite popular. There’s a fire ring, with dried scraps of meat, broken bottles and gnawed bones laying about. Searching the ashes yields more bones and broken pottery. The area surrounding the campground is littered with desiccated excrement.

5) Ruined Temple      Scouting the area around the campsite reveals a ruin, which has been enveloped with vines and shrubs. Upon a 60’ square foundation rest crumbling columns, a shattered altar and rotting wood. Runes and symbols carved into the altar and columns attest to an evil deity. That night, tortured faces dance in the flames of the campfire. Moreover, the party’s food tastes spoiled and the wine bitter. Troubled dreams await those who sleep.

6) The Hanged Man      As the players are setting up camp or foraging for wood, they discover a body hanging from a tree. The body is badly decayed, with a host of vermin feeding on the remains. The rope around the man’s neck is frayed and looks as if it will snap at any moment. If the party cuts the man down, they will be unable to find any clues as to his identity. He is dressed in common clothing and has no possessions. Speak With Dead reveals that the man is from a nearby village. He claims to have been hung by vigilantes for a crime he did not commit.

This, That and the Other Thing: Not Your Average Lass

The scene is a familiar one. The intrepid heroes are seated around a rickety table in a back alley dive. With some time to kill, the PCs begin to look around for some role-playing opportunities. Flirting with buxom serving maidens is a popular option, but how many gorgeous women can one expect to find in dingy watering holes?

     Not Your Average Lass provides a d6 worth of tavern wenches, who will leave a lasting impression upon the characters in your campaign. Clever GMs can tweak each entry just a bit to accommodate modern or sci-fi role-playing sessions.

1) Bianca       Rail thin with long, spindly arms, Bianca struggles mightily to carry a tray of drinks across the tavern. The tray rocks back and forth in her unsteady hands, spilling ale onto the floor. By the time Bianca arrives at the table, the tankards are half-empty. She mumbles an apology and backs away from the table, tripping and falling onto the floor as she does so.

2) Miriam      She is afflicted by an ailment that causes her to cough a great deal, mostly on the characters’ food and drinks. If questioned about her health, Miriam will respond that she feels fine, just as another coughing fit wracks her system. Perceptive characters may notice that the other patrons carefully wipe any glass Miriam has touched with a handkerchief.

3) Venus      Her service is decent and she’s even mildly attractive, but the squalling toddler attached to her leg is a bit distracting. The child refuses to let go and is literally dragged around the room, deaf to Venus’ pleas to let go. No amount of coaxing will convince the little girl to release her death grip and the more she is ignored, the louder her crying becomes.

4) Evelyn      She is middle-aged, with a sour expression permanently etched onto her heavily-lined face. Evelyn is rude to the point of being vicious. She lacks respect for anyone and proclaims her disdain for others without fear of retaliation. Regular guests of the tavern will gauge the characters’ mettle by how well they suffer Evelyn’s barbs.

5) Amber      She is withdrawn, shy and unwilling to look anyone in the eye. Amber silently creeps from table to table, not wanting to draw attention to herself. She is barely audible when speaking and is prone to trailing off mid-sentence. Because she is so unobtrusive, Amber overhears a great deal and may be a font of information.

6) Katherine       A plain, tall girl on the verge of tears. It’s all she can do to keep from sobbing openly as she serves the customers. If pressed for details about what troubles her, she will begin to speak, but breaks down completely after just a few words. Inconsolable, Katherine will run out the back door, wailing.

This, That, and the Other Thing: Odd Followers

In an ideal campaign world, the player characters would be heralded as great heroes wherever they went. Bards would sing their praises, maidens would scatter rose petals for them to walk upon and an army of servants would be at the party's beck and call. Sadly, most GMs are too sadistic to cater to the egos of their players. Besides, having a zombie follow the party around is much more fun to role-play.

     Odd Followers suggests some uncommon followers that might be attracted to the characters. Please note that the entries are designed to be more humorous than serious!

1) Zombie      One character in the party has been cursed. The last creature he kills rises as a zombie and follows him like an obedient lap dog. The zombie will wait patiently outside inns and taverns, shambling along behind the PC as he travels. If the zombie is slain, another will rise to replace it. Of course, most folks will be alarmed at the presence of the walking dead. Has the cursed character offended a deity, or is a necromancer at work?

2) Widow and Orphan       The wife and child of an adversary the party has recently killed arrives at the party’s doorstep, angry and demanding support from the characters. The widow creates quite a scene. Imagine an episode of Cops or the Jerry Springer show to get a feel for the widow’s anger and desperation. The widow demands lodging and coin to make up for lost wages earned by her former spouse.

3) Campfire Rodents      After an evening of sleeping in the wilderness, the characters find all sorts of furry critters stowed away in their gear. The party finds squirrels inside back packs, rabbits nestled within bed rolls and maybe a badger beneath a saddle.

4) Travelers      The roads can be very dangerous for merchants, farmers, pilgrims and what not. The next time the party prepares to leave town, a few travelers decide to follow the party for protection. The PCs end up escorting a rag-tag caravan of wagons, goats, snot-nosed kids and stubborn livestock. The hangers-on are, of course, broke and cannot afford to pay the party for their services.

5) Ghouls      It appears that the group has attracted a small pack of ghouls. The carrion eaters remain just out of sight, but their stench signifies their presence. Perhaps the ghouls travel at night, tracking the party instinctively. The ghouls follow the party, hoping to feed on slain foes. It’s not unlike remoras clinging to the belly of a shark. The ghouls will never attack the party, not wanting to ruin their steady stream of food.

6) Miserable Henchmen      Instead of strapping warriors and loyal retainers, the party attracts a bewildering array of slovenly drunks and losers, who are hoping to be taken under the party's wing as henchmen. If turned away, the undesirables become resentful and may defame the PCs, spreading all sorts of horrible rumors to anyone who will listen.